


Take Me Up and Hold Me Gently

by nerdsandthelike



Category: Billy Elliot (2000)
Genre: Established Relationship, I’m always a slut for functional relationships, M/M, Matthew Bourne’s Swan Lake, domestic fluff?, excessive descriptions of theatre, insufficient ballet research
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-29
Updated: 2020-01-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:53:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22459810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdsandthelike/pseuds/nerdsandthelike
Summary: Billy comes onstage, and Michael can’t breathe. Just for a moment, but he swears that time stops. Billy is always beautiful and never more so than when he is dancing, but this is extraordinary. He can feel it in the room all around him. Something changes.Or, Opening night of Swan Lake
Relationships: Michael Caffrey/Billy Elliot
Comments: 4
Kudos: 62





	Take Me Up and Hold Me Gently

**Author's Note:**

> So I saw actually got to see Matthew Bourne’s Swan Lake and was Overwhelmed with Emotions. And then I thought about Michael’s reaction. So this is set in the same general universe and timeline as the rest of my Billy Elliot fics, but can very much exist on its own. 
> 
> As per usual, I don’t own these characters, there was no Brit-picking, I haven’t done the accents, and I haven’t seen the movie. Well, I did see the last 5 minutes where Billy does Swan Lake. So I knew what I was changing. I also chose to be deliberately vague about the production history of this ballet because that wasn’t the point. But if you want more details on why Michael is having Emotions, there are great versions of both the 1996 and the 2012 recordings on Youtube! 
> 
> Thanks again to Eiiri for the beta!

Michael feels like he hasn’t seen Billy in forever. He’s been working part time and trying to finish his degree, but every free night he has, Billy is in rehearsal. Michael gets it. He’s proud of Billy. He’s so excited that his boyfriend gets to play a new role and in such a high-profile production. Really, he couldn’t be happier that Billy’s dreams are coming true. 

But he misses his best friend. He’s lived without Billy before, but now, when he’s so close and still so far away, it’s painful in a different way. They’ve been living together for almost three years now, and it’s been wonderful. But now he knows enough to miss the easy conversations and breakfasts together and the simple joy of walking through London side by side and coming home to their flat. For months, Billy has just been a body next to him in bed in the middle of the night and a kind note on the fridge. Michael has class all through lunch and work til late, and Billy begins rehearsal early in the mornings and comes home exhausted. They have gotten a few precious hours in the last month or two, but it’s not enough. 

It’s nobody’s fault, and he knows that Billy misses him too. But it still doesn’t feel fair. As much as Michael loves his course, it’s not starring in the role of a lifetime in a groundbreaking ballet, and he can’t help but resent Billy a little. He’s living his dreams while Michael is slogging through qualifications and night shifts. 

The day before opening night of Swan Lake, Michael wakes up and hears noises in the kitchen. For a second he nearly panics, but then he remembers the note he’d seen on the fridge last night before as he shoved leftovers in the fridge and collapsed into bed. Billy has the day off. He’s here. 

Michael normally hates getting out of bed, but as soon as that realization hits, he’s already to the door of the bedroom. Billy’s standing there in the kitchen doing the dishes, and Michael’s heart skips a beat when he sees the smile on Billy’s face. Every line and angle of his expression softens, and it would almost look silly, but it’s a smile that Michael knows so well, has seen on that face for over a decade, and he will always find it beautiful.

He rinses off his hands and walks to where Michael is in the doorway. “I was starting to think that you’d never get up.”

Michael leans in and kisses him like he’s been wanting to do for ages. 

Billy smiles against his lips and pulls him tight. “Yeah, I’ve missed you too.” He says. “C’mon. I’ll make eggs.”

Michael sits nearby while Billy makes breakfast, just enjoying being in his presence again. Billy asks how Michael is, and Michael talks easily about his classes and projects and his completely unreasonable manager at work. Michael can tell that Billy is listening, just taking in his words and his presence. He’s always been content to let Michael ramble. When Billy has finished the eggs, he puts the plate in front of Michael, sets an orange next to it and sits across from him while he eats. Billy tells stories about the rehearsals and how difficult Anya has been and the production, and Michael does his best to listen. He’s been trying to understand ballet for years now, but it never quite clicks for him until he sees it in person. 

“It’s such a different way of thinking about a role than usual. More acting, but not as much as Amir has, goodness knows. I don’t think I could play the prince.”

“Is it different than the prince in the original?” Michael has seen Swan Lake before when Billy was dancing it. He likes it. It feels more familiar than some of the weird avant-garde pieces Billy winds up in. 

“Well in the original it’s not really Sigfried’s story, he’s just the window-dressing for Odette. This one is totally the prince’s story. I don’t even show up until act two.”

“You mean I haven’t seen you properly in ages and now I have to sit through a whole act without you?” Michael pouts as he begins to peel the orange.

Billy laughs. “I think you’ll like act one, actually. Blanca is amazing as the Girlfriend. She’s hilarious. I hope she’ll dance the Queen sometime so that I actually get to dance with her for more than a minute.”

“Wait, I thought your partner was Amir. Isn’t that this ballet’s whole thing?”

“Honestly, I don’t even know how to explain the relationships in this show. They’re weird.”

“Because the usual relationships in ballets are so normal and healthy,” Michael teases. 

“Look, I didn’t write these plots. My idea of a good time is not putting on leather pants and trying to seduce your mum.”

Michael sits there in shock for a second. “Billy,” he says finally. “What the hell is this ballet?”

“You’ll see tomorrow night.” Billy kisses him on the top of the head and takes his empty plate to the sink. 

Michael wishes that he could just freeze time and stay in that kitchen forever. He’s been busy lately, but he’s not a hermit. He’s had lunches with classmates and gone to the cinema with friends and gossiped with his coworkers, but this is what he’s missed. Just sitting here, teasing Billy Elliot, wrapped up in their own little world together. He knows it won’t be like this forever. Once the show opens, he’ll really have his boyfriend back. Billy will stay out late at the shows, but he’ll bring Michael lunch and be here to watch movies on his off nights. He won’t be away at endless preparations. And soon enough Michael will be done with uni. He knows that probably won’t actually make him less busy. But he has to hope. 

Micahel has learned to do many things in his life, but freezing time is still beyond his powers. He still has to go to class. He can’t just laze about the flat with Billy on his day off. He almost wishes that he’d woken up earlier just to have another hour together, but he knows that he couldn’t. He’s been getting in late and doing homework in every spare minute so that he can take a full night off for the premiere. Just part of a morning to talk and eat and sit with Billy is the best he can do right now. 

Billy offers to come with him to class, and Michael knows that he should insist that Billy stay home. He has other things to do. Michael can barely remember when Billy’s last day off was. There must be a million things he needs to do to catch up, but he wants so desperately to hold onto him for just a minute longer that he lets Billy take the tube with him and walk him right to the door of his class. Maybe it’s all the dancing, but somewhere along the way Billy learned how to do romance right. God knows it wasn’t in Durham. 

Still, Michael has to kiss him goodbye, and he knows they won’t really see each other again until after the performance. Michael is free all night and doesn’t even have class the next morning. Jackie and Tony are coming into town. He’ll take them out to dinner, and then they’ll all go to the theatre together. They’re going to make an evening of it. This is an important night for Billy. They want to celebrate. But Billy will be busy getting ready for the show all day. He’ll see them the next day, after the show, make them lunch at the flat before they head back to Durham. They worked this plan out ages ago, but it doesn’t make it any easier for Michael to walk into class and know exactly how long it will be until he gets to see Billy again. 

He does his best to pay attention in class and stay on his toes throughout work, but he knows he’s distracted. He’s not surprised. He gets nervous for Billy before the opening of any show, but he’s even more nervous now. He sees the smile on Billy’s face when he talks about this part. He really loves this show. It’s special somehow, and Michael can hardly wait to see why. 

That night he drags himself home and before he goes to bed, he makes sure to leave a note on the fridge, telling Billy to break a leg and how much he is looking forward to seeing the show. Sure enough, Billy is fast asleep when Michael finally makes it back to the bedroom. The next morning, the kitchen is empty, and getting out of bed feels nearly impossible once again. He makes it through class, and puts on his best outfit, the one he only wears for Billy’s performances. Someday he’ll wear a new dress to every show. But for now this one feels like good luck. He meets Jackie and Tony at the train station. They have done their best in their cheap suits and slightly awkward expressions. They’re never going to be warm and tender, but Michael likes them. They try. They treat him well. They show up for Billy. It’s more than his parents ever did. Really, the Elliots, in their own way, are the best of Durham. So he hugs them and tries to keep the conversation light. Tells them how excited he is for the performance. Helps them find their hotel. Smiles at the waiter at dinner. Keeps up as easy a stream of chatter as he can through the meal and on the walk to the theatre. 

Soon enough, the ballet starts. From the first scene, Michael sees why Billy is so excited about this. It’s beautiful and unlike anything he has ever seen. In minutes, Michael is swept up in the story. Billy was right, he does love the first act, even without Billy being in it. It’s funny and Blanca is adorable. The Queen, who the program tells him is the very same Anya that has been so difficult, is giving a beautiful performance. After hearing about her attitude, though, it’s hard to appreciate her the way he should. When the curtain comes down at the end of the scene, he looks over at Jackie and Tony. Living so far away, they haven’t seen as much ballet as he has, and they look a little more lost. But they are paying attention too. He even hears Tony laugh out loud at some of Blanca’s antics as the act goes on. 

But finally it’s act two and Billy comes onstage, and Michael can’t breathe. Just for a moment, but he swears that time stops. Billy is always beautiful and never more so than when he is dancing, but this is extraordinary. He can feel it in the room all around him. Something changes. It’s almost startling to see him come onstage. Michael has heard Billy talk. Whenever someone compliments him on his presence, he brushes it off. He just learned the choreography, he had an amazing director, and really, his partner carried the show. Every time, Billy demures. Michael knows that Billy doesn’t believe in his own charisma, but Michael saw it way back in Everington even before the Royal Ballet School noticed the way he shines. Billy has always been wrong. He may fade into the background in person, always too cool and too quiet to be the center of attention, but that’s not the whole story. People are drawn to Billy. They always have been, and so when he leaps onstage in feathered trousers and stark black and white makeup, for just a moment the whole of the theatre is as in love with the Swan as the Prince is. 

And then they dance. Michael loses track of time. He is lost in the performance, in the grace of the swan dancers and the chemistry between Billy and Amir. He notices Jackie wiping his eyes but that is nearly all that he registers except for what is onstage for the rest of the act. He has never seen Billy dance like this. It’s powerful and sharp and nothing like he’s come to expect from a more traditional ballet. And then in a moment it’s so tender he can hardly bear it. The Swan looks at the Prince, holds him ever so lightly, and Michael is transfixed. He recognizes that gentleness in Billy, but he’s never seen it onstage before. He feels almost like he’s intruding, like the whole audience should avert their eyes from this moment, but he could never tear his gaze away. 

Amir and Billy run on and offstage, dancing together or alone or with the swans. Michael is almost grateful for the moments when Billy is not visible so that he can breathe again. It’s playful and beautiful and intimate and aggressive, and Michael can’t even name the emotions that are playing across the stage, but he can feel all of them. Their final dance of the act is triumphant and perfectly in unison, and Michael’s chest hurts with the joy and agony of being in love. Then, as suddenly as the swans appeared, they disappear. Amir is onstage alone again. Even his solo is perfect, still riding the high of his dance with Billy. His every move conveys the euphoria that Michael feels, that he feels around him in the audience. Something magic happened, and everyone experienced it together. 

When the lights come back on, Michael takes a few deep breaths, tries to pull himself out of the world of the show and back to the present, back to a place where he can talk to other people. But it feels wrong to be in a crowded theatre after what he just saw. He feels exposed, like he was onstage too. Like Billy has shared something with the whole world that previously only existed in the confines of their flat. 

He finally brings himself to face Tony and Jackie, and he can tell that they feel it too. It’s the most moved he’s ever seen them at one of Billy’s performances. But they won’t meet his eye. He really can’t blame them. 

He just smiles and says, “It’s good, isn’t it?” 

Jackie and Tony nod in their own gruff way and leaf through the program. Michael gets up, he just needs to stretch his legs. To move, process everything. He feels like he’s walking in a dream, like nothing that has happened since Billy appeared onstage has been real. In the lobby some of Billy’s friends and teachers from the Royal Ballet recognize him, and he chats politely with them. They’ve known each other for years. They always run into each other at these kinds of things. Some of them are a little closer. They’ve been out to dinner together or gone to parties. But when he sits back down for the second half of the ballet, he can’t even remember who he talked to much less what he said. 

The next scene is a relief. It is so much lighter than the scene before. Much more appropriate for the wine and snacks and interval mood. Michael can appreciate how much fun someone had with these costumes. The sleek black dresses and unique outfits are a relief to Michael’s fashion eye after all the tutus and long skirts of so many of the ballets he’s seen. Blanca is back, and she’s still a delight, and the ballet returns to some of the silliness of the first act. 

And then Billy comes back onstage. Michael’s reaction is nearly as strong as it was in act two seeing the Swan. But this time his heart sinks. He’s only barely recovered from seeing Billy as beautiful and graceful and tender with Amir when Billy enters as the Stranger, and he is plunged into a new kind of turmoil. Billy is now in black and leather, and he walks onto the stage by balancing on the railing and jumping down into the crowd of dancers below. The effect is perfect for the story, but Michael can’t even pay attention to that because Billy’s every movement is lithe and sharp and a million miles from the tenderness of the Swan. Michael has seen Swan Lake. Billy mentioned that he was doing a version of both Odette and Odile. Michael was still not prepared. 

On some level, Michael hates it. If the pas de deux in act two felt too intimate, too much like his heart was on the stage, this feels too extreme. Amir as the Prince off to the side, watching and worrying and his heart breaking, feels like every moment that Michael spent with Billy where he felt like Billy would never love him. He watches Billy prowl across the stage in black leather and a sneer, and he is twelve years old again. Billy is the focus of the town. The miners are all so proud to send their boy away, and Michael has never felt more alone in his life. Except that in real life all of Michael’s fears were absurd. Billy didn’t mock him and laugh. He never looked at Michael like that. He was gentle and kind and kissed Michael on the cheek before he took that bus out of town. Even when Michael thought he had no chance, he never doubted that Billy loved him in whatever way he could. Onstage, though, it’s different. He knows it’s acting, and Billy is doing that well, but watching the Stranger reject the Prince over and over as the act goes on feels like watching his worst nightmares play out onstage. It is the face of someone he has loved his whole life, but the character he is playing is unimaginably cruel. And he’s gorgeous. Michael isn’t blind. He knows what it means to put Billy in this costume, but he almost can’t watch. 

It’s sexy in the worst possible way. But Michael knows that’s what it’s supposed to be. The tension that builds as Billy and Amir dance with other people but look at each other is wrenching, and when the Stranger finally looks at the Prince, finally touches him, Michael gasps. He can hear that he’s not the only one in the theatre. But the pas de deux that follows is unbearable. The way it veers between violence and tenderness is almost physically painful. How the Stranger is so close to the Swan and yet nothing like him. It’s haunting, and again, the audience is in exactly the same place as the Prince. They see the similarities, but the Stranger feels like a betrayal. It’s more than that, for Michael, though. The way Billy maintains the distance and Amir keeps trying to be closer. Michael knows that too well. He discovers that he’s crying, and he’s not entirely sure why. 

He tears his eyes away from the stage, looks to his right where Jackie and Tony are sitting, not entirely comfortable, but fully invested. He reminds himself that the past can’t hurt him. And that Billy never would have intentionally. This will end. Billy will take off the costume. He’ll be back his jeans and trainers and jumper, coming home with Michael. The cruel, laughing man onstage will disappear and he will just be Michael’s boyfriend again. Like any nightmare, he just has to remember that it’s not real.

Michael barely pays attention to the rest of the act. The music picks up and the stage is crowded, and he can barely get out of his head. At some point there is a gunshot, but he’s not entirely sure how that happens. He’ll get to see the ballet again. He’s not worried. For now it’s just his job to stay present and get to the end. Get to see Billy, his Billy, again.

The swans eventually return, and Michael scans for Billy among the crowd, but he’s clearly not there. And now the swans are menacing. They were always aggressive, but now there is something darker to them. Maybe it’s just the effect of coming after the Stranger, but as beautiful as they are, Michael is scared of them now. 

Finally, Billy is back as the Swan, and even he’s scary after seeing him as the Stranger. But the music changes. Michael can breathe again. He’s returned to gentleness and Michael really isn’t sure what is happening or who this Swan is supposed to be, but neither does the Prince, and he’s in love anyway. The emotions Michael feels are so complex that he doesn’t even know how to describe them as the swans fight Billy and separate him and Amir. It’s all too real and also still a dream. He can tell that the ballet is nearly over, and he can see what will happen. All he wants is for this to be done so that he can be the one in Billy’s arms again. 

The ballet ends and it’s tragic, because there was never any other option. But Billy stands and holds the young prince in his arms. The music fades, and the applause starts. Billy and Amir hold hands and he sees them smile at each other and out at the audience, and Billy looks so happy. So really happy. He’s shining like he only does onstage. And Michael claps til his hands hurt. He lets out a “brava” for Blanca when she takes her bow, and when Billy comes out by himself the noise is thunderous. The crowd is on their feet, and Michael has never seen anything like it. Billy looks almost shy as he smiles and bows and takes Anya and Amir’s hands and leads the cast in their bows. 

Finally, the lights come up and the crowd begins to shift and Michael practically runs for the exit. As fast as he can in his heels and skirt. He’s had practice. He is downstairs and backstage in what must be record time. The polite thing to do would have been to wait for Jackie and Tony, but he can’t. Somebody clearly has been told to let him in, because he makes it to Billy’s dressing room without a problem. It’s so fast that Billy still has the black and white makeup on and he is wearing those ridiculous swan trousers. He is covered in sweat and probably exhausted, but when Michael throws himself on Billy, wrapping his legs around Billy’s waist and kissing him like it’s the last thing he will ever do, Billy catches him without hesitation. He can feel Billy’s smile against his lips and his arms carefully cradling Michael’s back. Michael is sure that he will have a black streak of makeup all down his face and he couldn’t care less. 

Michael pulls back and looks Billy in the eyes. “You were brilliant.”

Billy smiles and kisses him again. 

There’s a soft knock at the door and Michael turns to see who it is. Amir’s at the door and he’s already out of costume. He looks a little sheepish, like he’s interrupting something. Which, to be fair, he is. 

“Hey Billy,” he says. 

Michael shifts, ready to return to the floor so that he can have a proper conversation without his legs wrapped around his boyfriend’s waist.

But Billy just grips him tighter and nods back to Amir. “You’ve met Michael, yeah?”

Amir laughs. “Yeah, we met at some party ages ago. And even if we hadn’t, you won’t shut up about him, so I feel like we’re old friends. Good to see you again, Michael.”

Michael chuckles and says, “You were amazing tonight.”

Amir waves off his praise. “Are you two coming out with us tonight?”

Billy looks at Michael with such an intensity that he almost loses his grip around Billy’s neck. “Not tonight,” Billy says far too casually, shaking his head at Amir. “Next time, though.”

Amir looks at the two of them and just laughs. “I’ll let the others know that you’re busy.”

“Thanks, mate,” Billy says, and Amir ducks out. 

As soon as he’s gone, Jackie and Tony appear at the door, and Michael knows that this is probably good timing, but it doesn’t seem like that in the moment.

Billy finally puts Michael down and goes to hug his dad and brother. Michael stands back and watches as Jackie looks as proud as he’s ever seen and Tony awkwardly claps Billy on the shoulder. This is why Michael will always love these two men. No matter what, they are here, they support Billy, and they so clearly love him. That’s all you can ask for in a family.

“Let me take off my makeup and then we’ll walk you to your hotel,” Billy says, turning back toward the mirror. They sit in silence as Billy efficiently wipes away the dramatic swan makeup. Michael has so much he would like to say, but none of it seems right with Jackie and Tony here. And they tend toward silence usually, so they aren’t going to contribute. It’s not uncomfortable. It’s just how the four of them exist together in moments like this. 

When Billy has rubbed away the last of the black from his forehead, he gestures to Michael. “C’mere, you.” He pulls Michael into his lap and removes the makeup that he got on Michael’s face. When he finishes, Michael takes the wipe and gets rid of the rest of his makeup. 

“More efficient to do it now,” he says, smiling mischievously at Billy. Michael can see the amusement in Billy‘s eyes, but he says nothing. 

There’s a sharp rap at the door, and a short blonde woman with a pixie cut pokes her head in. “Billy, we’ll need those trousers.”

When she sees Michael currently sitting on them, her expression is so unamused that Michael has to restrain a laugh. Billy just nods and goes to stand. 

The woman leaves, and Michael kisses Billy quickly. “We’ll go wait for you. Don’t want you to get in any more trouble.”

Michael stands outside the dressing room with Jackie and Tony, and the blonde woman shoots them a dirty look every time she passes them on her way down the corridor. It’s as if she is worried that their cheap polyester outfits will infect her precious costumes. Billy changes quickly and hands her the trousers. She seems mollified now that the costume is in her possession, but Michael can’t help but chuckling. He does understand. He’d be the same way if any of his costumes were in danger.

Seeing Billy back in his soft green jumper and easy dancer’s walk is good for Michael. Billy is beautiful onstage, but it’s not the man he’s in love with. Billy takes his hand and leads the three of them out of the building through the back doors where they won’t be bothered.

He keeps a hold on Michael’s hand as he asks his dad and Tony about their train ride down and how everything is in Everington. They share all the goings on in the town, and before they know it, they’re at the hotel. 

Billy hugs them and then Michael does too, quickly but easily. They say their goodnights, and finally, finally Michael is alone with Billy. More or less alone. They’re still in the middle of the street in the middle of London, but Michael almost doesn’t care. He has just enough self control to not throw Billy into the back of a cab where they can get away from the eyes still left. But he knows that the tube will get them home sooner, and that’s his priority. 

Michael doesn’t rush to fill the silence as they make their way to the station. He can barely hear himself think over the sound of the blood rushing through his head. Being alone with Billy, having his full attention is as good as it’s always been. God, he’s missed this. For months Billy has been as distant and untouchable as he ever is onstage, and now he’s here and Michael is going to cry or scream or break out into dance like the Prince did. Instead, he just reaches up to touch Billy’s hair, because Billy is so close that he can touch his hair. It’s still stiff from the product and the makeup. 

“This is awful,” he says lightly, and being able to tease Billy about anything in the world feels novel after so many nights alone. 

“I’ll shower when we get home, and it’ll come out.”

“On second thought, it’s not that bad,” Michael changes his tune so quickly that Billy laughs. Billy always did know exactly what he was thinking. He leans his head against Billy’s shoulder as they sit and watch the stations pass. He’s counting down the stops until theirs a little more eagerly than usual, but Billy doesn’t need to know that. 

Billy responds to his thoughts anyway, “Michael, I’m disgusting. Could you not see me sweating all the way from the balcony?”

“On one hand, yes, I could. And you’re right. It was gross. On the other hand…” Michael says, threading his fingers through Billy’s. 

Billy laughs. “Seriously, there is no way in hell I am getting in the bed like this.”

“Really, the fact that you think we’ll make it all the way to the bedroom is adorable,” Michael says practically. 

“If you can wait the entire five minutes it will take for me to take a shower, I will make pancakes for you tomorrow morning.”

“Billy Elliot, I have barely touched you in months, and I just spent an entire two hours watching you in increasingly attractive outfits putting your hands all over another man. I think we are past the point of bribes.”

“I was not onstage the entire two hours.”

“You’re right, the times you were offstage were much more difficult for me. But, back to the pancakes. I also don’t believe that you would deprive me of pancakes. It’s your celebration breakfast as much as mine.”

“Shouldn’t you make me pancakes for my celebrations?”

“Do you really want me to try making pancakes again?”

“No.”

“That’s what I thought.” Michael lets silence fall again for a minute. Billy is so solid next to him, and all Michael can think is how in love he is. “You really were wonderful tonight you know?” he says, breaking into whatever Billy’s thoughts are. 

“I do know,” Billy says softly. “I could feel it. Sometimes it just all comes together, and something happens, and it’s always my best performance. I’m glad that you were there to see it.”

“Of course, you idiot, where else would I be? I haven’t been able to tear my eyes off you in years.”

“Amir wasn’t joking, you know. I know I haven’t been around lately, and you’ve been working so hard, but I’ve missed you every day.”

“I was glad he came by,” Michael says. “It helped me to see him out of costume too after…”

“Hmm?”

“Watching you onstage is always… intense. I can see your character and I can see the dancing and I can see you. And normally there’s distance, but tonight there was… not enough. And sometimes also too much.”

“What?”

Michael sighs. “I’ve never seen you look at anyone like that onstage before. None of the other dancers-.”

“Were you jealous?” Billy asks, genuinely curious. 

“A little,” Michael takes a moment to think. “Not really. It’s more complicated than that. You were right that tonight was special. But at the same time, you and Amir just seemed so… intimate.”

“Michael, did you miss the part where I seduced every woman onstage in act three? Were you jealous then?”

“Of course not-”

“What about all of the strange and experimental shows I did for years that were practically having sex onstage?”

“You know this was different. And not just because you’re usually seducing women onstage. You felt it, but couldn’t see yourself. It was different. Not just with Amir. But the whole thing. It felt more real. And that wasn’t always easy. In some ways the Stranger was worse. I’ve never seen you look so cruel in my entire life. It hurt. I hadn’t expected that”

Billy squeezes his hand and leans against him more. “It was different. You’re right. And not because you need to be jealous of Amir. I promise. But I… I see how it would be a lot. The whole thing. I want to say that it’s not real, but on some level it is. Not, you know, but…” 

“No, I know.”

Billy laughs softly. 

“I do want to come see it again, though. I didn’t quite follow act three. I could only take watching you play the Stranger for so long. But I’ve missed you.”

“I missed you too.”

“It really was two hours of torture, you know,” Michael says, lightening the mood. “You up onstage gorgeous and untouchable when all I have wanted to do for months now is touch you.” 

Billy lets the conversation go, and Michael is grateful. He’s said what he needed to say. “I’m sure it was a real struggle,” Billy says, matching his tone. “But that doesn’t change the fact that I am a sweaty mess…”

It’s their stop and Michael just stands and pulls Billy behind him. The smile he flashes back at his boyfriend is answer enough. Billy laughs, and it is the best sound that Michael has ever heard. The look on Billy’s face is silly and perfect, and for all his ballet grace, he nearly trips on the way up the stairs because he’s stuck staring at Michael.


End file.
